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What Kind of FOMO Are You?
Republished with permission from Next Element USA. SEPTEMBER 26, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, WORKPLACE CONFLICT /
People are more involved and connected than ever before. There’s always something going on, and somebody’s posting about it. Are you in, or are you out?
With all this awareness, fear of missing out (FOMO) is rampant. It’s easy to get seduced into thinking that just because we can be involved or included, we should be. Or, that if we aren’t, something bad might happen. The pressure is unbelievable.
Republished with permission from Next Element USA. SEPTEMBER 26, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, WORKPLACE CONFLICT /
People are more involved and connected than ever before. There’s always something going on, and somebody’s posting about it. Are you in, or are you out?
With all this awareness, fear of missing out (FOMO) is rampant. It’s easy to get seduced into thinking that just because we can be involved or included, we should be. Or, that if we aren’t, something bad might happen. The pressure is unbelievable.
While today’s FOMO might be more intense than in previous generations, the psychology behind it is the same. Fear of missing out comes in two forms, Victim FOMO and Rescuer FOMO.
Drama and Fear of Missing Out
Victim and Rescuer are two of the three roles people play in drama. First identified by Dr. Stephen Karpman, a psychiatrist specializing in interpersonal group dynamics and distress, the Drama Triangle shows constellation of three unhealthy roles humans play in order to feel justified about unhealthy behavior. Each one needs the other in a dysfunctional way. The Persecutor believes that everyone else is the problem, the Victim believes that they are the problem, and the Rescuer believes they are the solution to everyone else’s problems.
How does this relate to FOMO? It has to do with how humans assess and evaluate their OK-ness relative to others. When we have a healthy sense of self-worth and ego boundaries, we can rest assured that we are OK and others are OK, even if we aren’t involved or included in everything. Not that we won’t have feelings about it, but simply that we are OK regardless.
It’s when we slip out this existential position and start to question ours or others’ OK-ness that things get dicey.
Victim FOMO
Victims believe that they are only worthy when they are included. When they aren’t included, don’t feel heard, or don’t know what’s going on, they assume it’s because nobody likes them or somebody is mad at them. Comments like these let you know you’re dealing with a Victim FOMO.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me we were leaving at five?” (with a whiny tone)
“They didn’t include me, what did I do to make them mad?”
Victim FOMOs cope with their fear of rejection by becoming needy for affirmation, or smothering people with offers to help. They push themselves on others in a way that inadvertently invites rejection. At Next Element we’ve named it victim-helping. When victims receive comments like, “Stop worrying, it’s fine,” they interpret the tone as a sign of rejection.
If you are a Victim FOMO, here are some tips to regain your balance.
It’s OK to be angry or sad or worried. It’s what you do next that makes all the difference.
Check your assumptions by asking curious questions before jumping to conclusions about what people say or do.
It’s OK to ask for what you want.
Use your great skill of empathy to help others feel included.
Rescuer FOMO
Rescuers need to feel smart and competent to boost their ego. So they look for victims to save by giving unsolicited advice and swooping in with solutions. They fear missing out on an opportunity to be the hero by saving saving the day. Rescuer FOMOs say things like;
“Why don’t you call her and tell her you don’t like it.”
“You don’t need to feel worried, just do what I do.”
With these types of condescending comments, Rescuers invite others to feel grateful on the outside, resentful and dependent on the inside.
If you are a Rescuer FOMO, here are some tips to help you back off and let others be the hero too.
You are smart and capable. You can be most helpful when others ask you first.
You are a great problem-solver and will be most appreciated when you help others find their own solutions or learn a new skill.
You are observant and resourceful. What problem of your own can you solve today instead?
There will always be more opportunities to help.
Fear of missing out can be a negative influence if you allow yourself to question your own or someone else’s OK-ness. Accept that you are OK and so are others, regardless of what’s going on and who’s included, and you can break free of Victim and Rescuer FOMO.
Copyright Next Element Consulting, 2018
Imposing Your Solution vs. Living Into The Answer
Republished here with permission from Next Element USASEPTEMBER 19, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, LEADERSHIP, LEADERSHIP COACHING, LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT, LOD /
Recently I was conducting a Leading Out of Drama Provider Certification and we were reviewing one of the Choices To Move, “Let Go and Move On,” a skill for practicing Compassionate Accountability and moving from Resourcefulness to Persistence on the Compassion Cycle. A participant was explaining the concept in his own words and shared this;
Those who can’t let go and move on often choose to teach others instead.
Republished here with permission from Next Element USASEPTEMBER 19, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, LEADERSHIP, LEADERSHIP COACHING, LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT, LOD /
Recently I was conducting a Leading Out of Drama Provider Certification and we were reviewing one of the Choices To Move, “Let Go and Move On,” a skill for practicing Compassionate Accountability and moving from Resourcefulness to Persistence on the Compassion Cycle. A participant was explaining the concept in his own words and shared this;
Those who can’t let go and move on often choose to teach others instead.
He didn’t mean it as an indictment of educators, but his comment underscored a powerful dynamic of drama, the urge to give unsolicited advice to make others better instead of focusing on our own decisions and consequences.
Highly resourceful people:
Are great problem-solvers.
Are often promoted to leadership positions.
Are skilled at spotting danger and opportunity and figuring out what to do next.
Often feel an urge to protect others from bad things.
Often struggle to decide among options because they don’t want to face the loss of what could have been or the fear of what could happen if they choose wrong.
The decision to let go and move on is an act of personal responsibility. It involves accepting that we can’t control the future or know everything. It asks that we accept the consequences of our choices. Making a decision and living into the answer certainly requires courage, humility, and faith.
Avoiding a healthy choice is still a choice
Sometimes we shy away from the choice to let go and move on. We feel afraid and don’t want to face the unknown. We don’t want to accept the consequences of our choices or the fact that we cannot control or know the future.
Not letting go and moving on often results in the defense mechanism of Rescuing. Rescuing happens when we turn our focus away from our own responsibility and project it onto others. Instead of living into our own choices, we try to make choices for others. We problem-solve everyone else’s lives instead of our own. We teach others instead of being a curious learner ourselves.
We become, as described by this same LOD provider certification candidate, “a solution in search of a problem.”
Are you a solution in search of a problem?
Imposing solutions instead of living into the answer
Rescuers impose their solutions on others instead of courageously and humbly living into their own solutions, and allowing others to do the same. They adopt the belief, “I’m OK, you would be OK if you let me fix you and appreciate me for it.” They may have good intentions of trying to protect others from bad things, or trying to make them better. The attitude they carry and the way they go about it, however, sends the message that others are not capable to make their own decisions and find their own solutions.
How to stop rescuing and own your choice to let go and move on
Remind yourself that you are smart and capable, and others can be too if you let them.
You can be most helpful when others ask you for help first.
Authentically face the fear of the unknown. It’s OK to be afraid.
Accept that you cannot control the future, or ultimately protect others from danger.
Focus on being a resource for others, and living up to your own values.
Avoid pushing resources on others and expecting them to live up to your values.
You are OK and so are others, regardless of whether they accept your solutions.
Great leaders master the art of letting go and moving on, being responsible for their own choices and struggling with others to enhance capability. What choice will you make today?
Copyright Next Element Consulting 2018
Distractions vs. Symptoms
Re-posted with permission from Next Element USA. OCTOBER 3, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, LEADERSHIP, LEADERSHIP COACHING, TEAM LEADERS
I like to think I’m good at multitasking, but I’m not. Especially when it comes to how I devote my attention. The joke around my house is that I can only pay attention to one thing at a time. Our family can be watching TV together and I am so focused on the show that I tune out all the distractions. The “distractions” are usually my wife and daughter talking about what’s going on in their lives. Sometimes I even get frustrated with them for interrupting the show we are trying to watch. Consequently I don’t know what my daughter is doing at school and she seems to go to mom first with questions. But I do remember all the details of the TV show!
All these things getting in my way!
Do you ever focus so much on the task at hand that you miss important things going on around you? As a leader, do you ever push so hard to meet a goal that life passes you by or your employees are burning out right under your nose? I bet you viewed those pesky life situations and employee complaints as interruptions, right? You might have even viewed your own body’s complaints (sleep problems, heartburn, tension headaches and back pain) as distractions.
When does a distraction become a symptom of a bigger problem? How do we know we are pushing too hard, missing the forrest for the trees, or creating more damage in our effort to push through?
Re-posted with permission from Next Element USA. OCTOBER 3, 2018 BY NATE REGIER IN COMPASSIONATE ACCOUNTABILITY, LEADERSHIP, LEADERSHIP COACHING, TEAM LEADERS
I like to think I’m good at multitasking, but I’m not. Especially when it comes to how I devote my attention. The joke around my house is that I can only pay attention to one thing at a time. Our family can be watching TV together and I am so focused on the show that I tune out all the distractions. The “distractions” are usually my wife and daughter talking about what’s going on in their lives. Sometimes I even get frustrated with them for interrupting the show we are trying to watch. Consequently I don’t know what my daughter is doing at school and she seems to go to mom first with questions. But I do remember all the details of the TV show!
All these things getting in my way!
Do you ever focus so much on the task at hand that you miss important things going on around you? As a leader, do you ever push so hard to meet a goal that life passes you by or your employees are burning out right under your nose? I bet you viewed those pesky life situations and employee complaints as interruptions, right? You might have even viewed your own body’s complaints (sleep problems, heartburn, tension headaches and back pain) as distractions.
When does a distraction become a symptom of a bigger problem? How do we know we are pushing too hard, missing the forrest for the trees, or creating more damage in our effort to push through?
The dangers of being too persistent
This is a common problem facing people who are high in Persistence, one of the three Compassion Skills. Dedicated, goal-oriented, and responsible people live to deliver. Like everything in life, there’s a time for persistence, and a time for the other two Compassion skills, Openness and Resourcefulness. It turns out that humans aren’t built to rely exclusively on one skill at the expense of the others. Doing this results in strained relationships and health, and a reduced capacity for healthy conflict, change, and innovation.
Keep moving to stay healthy
Every skill has it’s time and place, and transition to the next skill is ultimately needed to stay healthy. Our research and experience over ten years of testing shows a particular best order for using the three Compassion Skills. Moving from Persistence to Openness requires the choice to Stop and Listen.
Stop doing, and listen to your body, soul, and heart. Stop pushing and tune in to your employees. How are they coping? How are they holding up?
Stopping and listening will reveal when a distraction has become a symptom. It will reveal a treasure-trove of important information about what’s really going on, and how you can make adjustments to support, adapt, sustain, and improve.
Next time you get frustrated by distractions, stop and listen to determine whether you are experiencing symptoms of another problem that requires your attention.